Dearest Friend,
I have a confession to make: At my most recent engagement, I held myself back from personal and professional growth. The end result cost me a tremendous opportunity, a great salary, and employment. As I reflect on what went well, and what went wrong, I can honestly say there was a lot that could have been done better on my part.
What went well:
For the most part, I can honestly say I found myself working in capacity I love best. I was happy working with a small team, but mostly I was in my comfort zone doing the thing I enjoy - coding. The end result was building out, not one, but two frameworks for automation. One of which is still in use as we speak.
I was also tasked with helping on distinct projects, performing manual testing, and some accessibility. Overtime, I found myself splitting my workday between coding, testing, and handling day to day tasks assigned to me by management.
I had the privilege of working with fellow testers and engineers, providing feedback, and offering ways to improve their work as well. What followed was the best six months of my work. I genuinely loved being on the team helping to find issues early, streamlining our efforts, and what-not. Sadly, it wasn't all good!
What went wrong:
I won't go into a rant about how much disdain I have for the current "cancel culture" that is rampant in the professional world. Nor will I express my displeasure at how workers get treated like disposable items. I will dedicate this time to illustrate where I failed. This is what I'm owning up to as the mistakes made, that I might need to correct immediately.
Was not mindful
So there was a lot of good that came out of my first 30 days. But as I went along, I never felt like I gelled quite right. The work detail kept changing a bit, and while I was still doing my coding thing, I recognize I failed to pay attention to the bigger picture. Too often I kept hearing how I had to "zoom in" and "zoom out"; focus on the details, but see the bigger picture. Something I definitely need work on.There were times I did catch myself doing some dumb shit. I will own that. Times where I felt like I was there and not there; present at work, but aloof of the project I was on. Some of it had to do the learning curve of being new, but other times it was just my insecurity.
I still lacked confidence
It had been several months, and a 10-day vacation, since my former employment and subsequent layoff. While I thought I was over it, I was still plagued with insecurities. I did my best, but too often I felt like I was a beaten dog. Doing well, working hard, and being the best possible contributor to the workplace meant nothing if at the end of the day, I would get laid off.It was on one such occasion, when my initial project had reached its end, and my allocated hours shifted, that I saw on my sheet a vast set of blank spots. My elation became dread; The joy of coming to work turned into a countdown of the inevitable. I was assured that it was nothing .. no one got around to it yet .. I could just ignore it. My mind was made up, and my gut was barking loudly: something wasn't quite right. Enter the doubts, the paranoia, and ...
Imposter syndrome
In all my professional experience, the good and the bad, I always prided myself in the work I did. I was never one to brag about my accomplishments, nor was I one to gloat on work done. I was the quiet co-worker that spoke through my work. But several new assignments and tasks, along with a sense of foreboding, had me feeling like I was a fraud, a fake, a bad hire. I was brought to this company on a referral and my performance had all but exhausted that good will.It as on such an assignment, tasked with working on a coding task with technologies I had never been exposed to, that I came to understand the true limits of my reach. The win was I was able to complete the task - albeit with the help of others - later than I wanted (due to shifting priorities), but never before had I experienced panic attacks and doubts in my ability. If I wasn't paranoid before about my job security, I was now. But what contributed to this was a growing sense of ostracism; like more often than not I was out of the loop. Like I ...
Did not fit in
In my former employ, the kinship and camaraderie formed with the team I was a part of had a profound effect. From the first week that I started and the years thereafter, it felt right. Not so much in this new place. Too many times the interactions were fleeting, barely noticeable, with hardly any connection made. Six months in and I still felt like a stranger in a strange land. Despite all my efforts, I just never felt settled in. This feeling coupled with my insecurity contributed to my decline in performance. July was my worst month.Then along came 9/11. We started that morning on a low. Several of the people I had bonded with were laid off. This sent me into weird funk. I recognize that now that I was in a downward spiral of depression and loss. One such co-worker I connected with was disposed of like nothing .. and she was a parent with responsibilities. It wasn't fair. I didn't handle it well. I found myself rebelling in a passive way. The quality of my work took a nose-dive and I exhibited a lack of enthusiasm. I recognize I ...
Did not work to my fullest potential
Three months into my job and I felt like things were ok. But as old projects ended and new ones started, there was a lot of downtime and opportunities to grow into my role. But I was hired as an Engineer setting up the automation solutions to be put to use on future projects. I did not want to take the reins of a project as a lead. I also did not want to assume any more responsibilities than I cared for. Those days for me were over.But management had different ideas. While I fully understood my role, I never fully knew what the expectations were for my position. The few ideas that were communicated to me were ones I embraced. But I purposefully held back from what I was expected to do because my past had taught me that hard work doesn't matter if the outcome is the same. Which brings me to the purpose of this post.
What Door Are You Walking Through?
Knowing where I failed, I know now that I can do better. I can BE BETTER. And it starts with what motivates me; when my heart is in it, I'm stellar. But it's mostly about embracing the opportunity to do something challenging. Take the risk. Grow into my purpose.
Its time to let go of old attitudes. One of the things that has plagued me from that momentous first termination is the chip on my shoulder. I still have a disdain for management, and I care very little for workplace politics. But as my resume has shown, when my heart is not in it, when I just don't care or am not happy, I don't put forth the kind of energy that keeps me employed very long.
In this coming decade, I plan to put these into effect:
- Exhibit excellent problem solving and analytical skills
- Give off positive energy and a friendly collaborative attitude
- Will possess attention to detail and quality in my work
- Have the ability to trade-off getting tasks done with stepping back to see the big picture
- Be mindful of where I am at and bloom where I am planted
