30 DAYS OF SOCIAL DISTANCING
NYC is nearing a full month of quarantine. The death toll continues to rise. We celebrate our doctors, nurses, first-responders, and other health care professionals every day at 7:00pm. Conclusion: it feels like we may go the full span of summer locked in. It will get better, but at the moment all is not well.
I'll be celebrating 4 months at my current employment. I like the company, and I appreciate my work, but there's this nagging feeling like I've not quite gelled with my team. At times, I feel like I'm just freelancing - like I do what I have to do - on my own. I can't relate to the people I work with. I don't get the strong since of reassurance from my managers. But then I can admit I have always had a history of not quite fitting in.
FITTING IN ...
I wanted to dedicate this space to the concept of "fitting in." What it means to be a "good fit" and what it feels like to be apart from the team instead of a part of it. As someone who had to be the "man-of-the-house" at a young age, I've always felt like I had to grow up faster than I normal. It also meant I had to figure a lot of shit out. The consequence was resentment of authority and the self-perception that I was a square peg.
IN MY TEEN YEARS
When I moved from Miami to NY, I was the new kid. Living in Forest Hills for the time was a godsend but moving to Long Island broke my heart. I left behind a great group of friends, my first crush, and wonderful memories.
As the new kid in a predominantly white neighborhood, I never felt quite right. Sure I made friends and all, but some part of me always hated the experience. Fast-forward to high school. I was a chubby, pimply, quiet kid who never really got the chance to date or play on a professional sports team. I was so preoccupied with not trying to make a complete ass of myself that even the slightest bit of attention and I wilted. It was awful. God how I hated high school!
IN COLLEGE
The blessing of College life is that you can wipe the slate clean of who you were in high school and start anew. You go from being someone to being no one. This was ideal for me in many ways. But it also proved a bit of a challenge. Being the quiet introvert proved a bit of challenge when making connections. I got caught up in the trappings of campus life, but it was hard to make solid friendships.
Finding my roots
One of the greatest take-aways from St. John's University - my alma mater - was OLAS: the Organization of Latin-American Students. For the first time in my life, I felt like I truly belonged. There were others like me who spoke my language, shared my beliefs, and laughed at the same things. It was a great fit. The next 4 years were bliss. I belonged to a group. I had friends. I had a social life. I miss them
Failing at frats
The negative consequence of my college experience came at the hands of interactions with fraternities. Freshman year - rush week - and I was courted by one group, but they seemed like a typical group of BROs looking to get drunk and get laid. Not my cup-of-tea. The group that I could see myself a part of made it a point to reject my application, not once, but twice. At the time, I was never more hurt by the rejection. Surely, I was a good fit for OLAS, and therefore I would be a good fit for this group. Sadly, not the case. The sting bothered me for a while, but in hindsight, they weren't the fit for me, nor I for them.
AT WORK
Most workplaces emphasize the intrinsic need to be a "cultural fit"; that you subscribe to the same ideals, laugh at the same jokes, and share the same philosophies. You and the group are of one mind. In some of the jobs I have had, I felt like I was in a second home. The people I worked with were great kinsmen.
Then there were jobs where I never felt more alone. I was in a room full of people and felt like a wandering spirit amongst the living, invisible and ignored. I remember working at one such agency, a big place, and there were so many cliques. It was hard to ally myself with any one group because I just could not relate. I never felt quite right. Even most recently, I had one job where the team was like a second home. We all laughed at the same jokes, and shared the ideas.
Even now, at almost 45yo, I find it difficult to relate to my co-workers. And with this quarantine being a thing, it makes forming connections all the more difficult. I miss my old co-workers. I only hope things turn around.
